Believing in Number Two
While contemplating what I could possibly have to say about the 2nd Step, many thoughts came to mind. The first: "What could I add to what's already been written? How could I compare with text that has been translated into dozens of languages and read by millions?" Then I came back down to earth and remembered that while my own voice and experience are valid, all are welcome to take what they want and leave the rest. OK. Then I thought: "The 2nd Step. Isn't that just kind of a pit stop on the way to Step 3. Now there's a step." Hmmm. Finally, I thought about the Scanner Editor's reaction if I came up empty-handed and figured I'd better just focus. Step 2: "Came to believe…." After careful consideration I awakened to how essential Step 2 really is. After admitting comes believing. The supporting beams are put in place once the foundation has been laid. Without believing, what do we have? How do I make a decision, as in Step 3, without some prior belief system. Maybe not perfect belief. Maybe just "acting as if" as in a leap of faith. Faith… I think its religious connotations make it seem less hip than it is. My preferred definition is from Miracle on 34th Street: "Faith is believing in things when common sense tells you not to." This tells me I need to relax! Get out of my head and into my heart, my spirit. Oh that. When I came into program my spirit was like a tired, wet alley cat. Underneath there was strength and courage and beauty, but to look at it — oy, what a mess….And to feed my spirit with the belief that I could get better; that something greater than me could restore me! Wow!! Now, I never had a problem with the concept of "God". (Being surrounded by nuns sometimes has that effect.) Much of my perception is colored by the Bible epics of the '60s and my imagination. Step 2 helped me to examine that, broaden it, update it — and accept. I don't really understand a power greater than myself but I accept and believe in it. I know I have limitations and that there's much I don't understand. Math equations, running water in NYC, the infinity of stars, a thunderstorm — Regis and Kathee Lee. But that's OK. I don't fully grasp the process of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly yet I am still able to marvel at the process. And as for sanity — don't we all crave that? "Crazy" is used so haphazardly in language. It is often used in place of "busy" or "hectic", but as an addict I know the compulsive end of it. Coming in to recovery and being offered a rope to the other side —
a life with sanity — has been a welcome gift. A restoration to sanity that can enable me to experience hope.
Many years ago I heard a man say, "Faith is like swiss cheese. It's the holes that make it stronger." It has always stuck with me because it's given me the permission to believe and doubt all at the same time. Perhaps I need my common sense to help me make the best choices for me, but I need my faith challenged and restored every day to keep believing in my Higher Power, the possibility of sanity and the Promises of program. And while I may never fully understand the metamorphosis of the caterpillar to butterfly I hope I never lose my sense of wonder and appreciation of that process, as well as my own.